this years love

i recently made several resolutions about my life. ones that were not healthy and i knew that when i made them, but i considered them damage control and a stop gap fix. i have been struggling with what i am doing in life and how i am making an impact and growing, if i am at all.

so tonight i finally decided to sit down and read. reading is good. i feel alive when i read and write and grow, and i feel as though i am shrinking and becoming less when i do not. as i was reading from a couple of different books i was faced with God communicating to me- addressing each decision i had made specifically- and rebutting what i had done with his wisdom. i have to admit i was a bit irritated that my new decisions, made in bitterness and resentment, had been swiftly rebuked and all at once.

i want to change but i don't want to go through the fire it takes to get there to be honest. i want meaning and direction on my time but i have to let go. i want to be what i am not; and, in the words of Relient K "what i am hates who i've been". so i went and bought some new kicks and decided to start running again, and i want to start drawing again. i want to read and grow and have deep, real relationships. i want to learn how to interact with people again. i want to love and be loved and understand what that means. i want to commune with my Father and find my comfort in His familiarity. and if that is all the love that is for me, i want for that to be enough.

i feel as if i have been made with certain desires from my Father but before we can embrace and love a thing we must let it go in surrender. i take all that i have been for the past two years, all the longing and desires and let it go. Father is enough and i will learn to make those words real for me. that is all i have... my head is all a jumble but it is a beginning.

"If we're not together in the heart,
what's the point? When body and soul

aren't dancing, there's no pleasure
in colorful clothing. Why have

cooking pans when there's no food in
the house? In this world full of

fresh bread, amber, and musk, so many
different fragrances, what are they

to someone with no sense of smell?
If you stay away from fire, you'll

be sour, doughy, numb, and raw. You
may have lovely, just baked loaves

around you, but those friends cannot
help. You have to feel oven fire."

-Rumi

seasons of pain

In life we all go through seasons of pain. Sometimes there are no supports, there are no friends to assuage the pain. sometimes you are removed from everyone and everything. These times are a test of faith to those of us that ascribe to God and his love for us. In times of pain, God is the only support to hold onto, and sadly enough, most of the time that is the only time we are willing to talk to him. it must grieve the Fathers heart to only be spoken to when a favor is needed or when there is no other person to turn to. I am intimately acquainted with the feeling. I am in pain- it's at times like these when we find out what we are made of. How much faith do we really have? Are our beliefs real or are we just following the motions we have been conditioned to blindly be a part of all of our lives? There is so much going on I don't know how to process it. I find that i am alone in this world. All of the absolutes have been stripped away and I am left with the question of my faith. To press on toward the unseen or to make my own miserable way through this life. I choose my faith, and that is the only step I can take now. I have chosen a direction and now I will follow my fathers voice. away from everything I thought I knew, away from all that has fallen away. I am not well, but life goes on, and one day it will be well. I press on toward that day and in the meantime I lay my life on that faith and on my loving father.

A couple of weeks ago I found this devotional that my father had given me when I moved away. Everyday that I have read it, it was as if my Father were speaking to me, addressing the issues that I have been facing with the foresight only my Father offers. It is a comfort to know that Father cares. So hold me now Father when I am weak. Wrap me in your love when I feel none. I choose You, because you gave me the grace to know you.

Good Tidings

Matt and Lori are officially engaged. Congrats

Catch me when i'm falling

what am i to do?
what am i to say?
i stand (on my knees)
before your greatness, fallen.
i am fallen on my face
and broken before your wonderful greatness.
you are the numinous,
and you are the love.
you are the solid absolute of life
that makes my liquid take form.
so hold me,
and hold me in.
guide my feet in this darkness,
and lead me with the sweet sound of your voice.

1 12 15 14 5 in my thoughts

so i have been pondering the subject of love lately (due in no small part to a review of the four loves by a certain mister clives staples lewis this evening, particularly the last two-Eros and Agape). i feel like a fish jumping into an ocean here as i try to gather my thoughts into coherence. first and foremost let me say that i find the english language to be sorely lacking as it relates to love. in my years growing up i have had to compile the sum of my observation and experience with love into the one word. To do that is somewhat ludicrous i believe, because how can one say that "i love my parents" in the same regard as they say, "for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son..." ;or, "i love my wife" in the same manner as, "i love my friend Nathan"? They are not the same by any means but yet we have no way to distinguish them from one another aside from context.
That being said, i was contemplating especially agape on the ride home. The very nature of this love offends me at first, i have come to conclude. i had never really taken a step back to consider it until i listened to Lewis' wisdom about it. he concludes that none of us, as people, want to be agaped in and of our own nature. it is an insult to our pride. The very essence of agape is that we are loved not because we are chosen as something special or because of some merit of our own, but because we are who we are. in that i would find no offense save for the fact that i want to be chosen as a beloved. we all do when you stop to think of it. we want to be special to someone, mean the world to them, but agape has no provision for this. if we could merit God's love what would be the purpose of salvation. now then, in thinking about this, i find it absolutely necessary that we be loved in this manner; it sets God's love for us apart from anything that we are able to completely emulate. now, in another work that i was reading, a severe mercy, lewis was corresponding with a friend regarding the death of his beloved. he said that all earthly loves must die unto themselves to be resurrected thru Christ if they are ever to come to completion. i have been pondering this for months now, not that i disagree but to the contrary i most emphatically agree, in an effort to better understand the nature of this death. that we must give up our most valuable earthly loves to God and learn to love thru God. heavy
on a similar vein, i heard a lyric friday that stuck with me, "What's it going to take for me to live like a dead man lives". So my question is, what if we all lived our lives dead to our flesh and walking after Christ? what would it take to get there?

perhaps this is just part one because i have so much more i want to say, but i am weary for now. grace and peace.

I will sing, sing a new song

today i feel very clumsy with words. there is a mass of emotion that i have not had time to articulate or even sort through. point being, i feel numb. there is so much going on right now that i can't process it all and i feel as if i am shutting down the parts of me that feel. as i went to visit my grandmother last week, to say goodbye one last time, i felt awkward. like i was suppose to saying something but i didn't know what that something was. so i sat there and gave my time and attention. now she is gone and i am happy that she is finally back in her loving husbands arms with my Father. her passing was the end of something in my life, however, as she was my last grandparent. i feel as if the threads of my life have all unwraveled these past two months and i find myself grasping towards the pieces as they drift away.

the Lord is my provision, and he is my strength when i have none. He has shown his provision in the short time that four of us have lost grandparents. i have found comfort in the unity of our little group coming together to lift the few up in prayer and support. i cannot say how thankful i am for you. for the past couple of weeks we have been seeking an avenue to draw back into one another in our persuit of Christ as our lives have seemingly gotten busier and busier. This past week i observed this come to fruition in the love passed between us.

with all of that out of the way, i would like to say that in sorrow there is peace from our father, and in pain there is comfort in knowing that we are alive. without these things what would life be. i have never understood how anyone can expect to live a full, meaningful life without pain. how can we enjoy the wonders and beauty that life has to offer if there is no pain to contrast? how do we expect the Lord to allow us to grow if we never have to leave what is comfortable and fun. a friend of mine said to me recently, "trials are an opportunity", and they are. they are an opportunity to find blessing and purpose beyond ourselves. i don't pretend to understand the great mysteries of death and love and life, but i trust my father and i trust his love. this past week has been one of the lowest points i have ever been in my life but i found solace here.


"I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God...

LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.

For troubles surround me--
too many to count!
They pile up so high
I can't see my way out.
They are more numerous than the hairs on my head.
I have lost all my courage...

But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, "The LORD is great!"

As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord is thinking about me right now.
You are my helper and my savior.
Do not delay, O my God. "

-abbreviation of Psalm 40 NLT

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-Yeats

day 1-bleeding out

i am sitting here reading Walk On the Spiritual Journey of U2, and i am struck at the infantile state at which parts of me still reside ( and that is only halfway through the preface). Just these couple of years past, am i able to look beyond he expletives that proceed from a mans mouth and see the wonderful christian brother/sister within. its almost oxymoronic, and would appear so to the legalist child looking on. i was that child two years ago. i could not look past the (pardon me) "shit", "damn", or worse that could come from a persons mouth, to see my brother in Christ beneath (it was, in fact, easier for me to relate and accecpt a pagan who spoke like a sailor because i held them to no higher morality).

i could not understand the relationship with God for all of the rules one must follow to know God. with God it is not the words, it is the heart. it is us understanding the concept that birthed the words and not the letter of the law. don't get me wrong, this is no advocation of living a loose or immoral lifestyle, merely an attempt at a deeper understanding of humankind and his relation to God and one another. i most emphatically believe we are to live a lifestyle in emulation of Christ, but i also understand that we are called to love one another and support eachother as well. for this reason Christ came and preached to the ugly, the lame, and the unlovely so that he might redeem all of us to himself.

that being said, i find that most of us are too consumed with walking within the lines to look up and see the expectant eyes of our lover who is just waiting for us to open up. to look into his eyes and understand the depth and height and width of his love. this is the purpose of our existence-relationship. not rules, lines, and restictions of a moral life, but the reality of an honest, candid relationship with him based on love, truth, and honesty. from this all the other virtues of life and faith flow.

happy birthday elliott.

dreamless whispers

i sit here on another sleepless night, wondering and thinking again. i can't remember a time when it was not like this. at night when i am suppose to sleep the thoughts come, and they plough through my head joining with one another. i've been thinking a lot lately about letting things go and why that is so hard for me. my father is enough for me i know this, yet it is hard to let go of the things he has blessed me with. my first instinct is to close myself off and retreat, but that is not good. my second instinct is to continue with business as usual, not having the capacity to fix what has been broken, and they continue to hurt; also not good. i have come to the place where i am broken and utterly ruined by his love. i remember a song i was so fond of years ago and i recall the lyrics now as they resonate with me.
"when you have been broken
broken to pieces
and your heart begins to fade
cause you don't understand...

when there is nothing
to rake from the ashes
and you can't even walk
onto the fields of praise

but i bow down and kiss the Son
oh i, bow down and kiss the Son

when the rock falls
falls upon you
and you get ground to dust
no music for the pain...

you open the window
the windows of heaven
and then you open me
and you crush me like a rose

But i bow down and kiss the Son...
though you slay me i will trust you Lord"

since i was young i have closed things off and bottled them up. i say, "God you are my provider and my strength and my refuge" with my mouth, but my actions speak otherwise as i hold on to temporal things that i gain support from. so here i kneel, having lost my support, opening my hands before my father and offer everything i hold to him. i tend to break and mar,sometimes beyond recall, what he has given me when i wrestle it from his hands and try to take control. So where do i go from here?...i was once taught to praise my Lord in all things and i find consolation in that. No matter my circumstance i know my father loves me and that his intention is to bless me in all things, even the painful (romans 8:28- as cliche as it is). That being said, i am broken to pieces but my savior is gathering them to himself.

the boy

excerpt

i just finished A Severe Mercy. that book speaks to my heart on levels other writings never have, or at least not half as deeply. i have always been captivated by love. the last few years of my life i've studied and prayed for nothing else as consistently. i firmly believe there is nothing else more important in life as this, because God is love. everything else in life flows from that. as such, i find it coincidental how, in these past few months of the awakening, i have been introduced to the two most influential works (in my thinking) on the subject--A Severe Mercy and The Four Loves. it has been like looking at the moon for a long time and then having someone hand you a telescope. Things have come into focus a lot more and my mind is working again.

today i ran with the thought of moving to california next year when my lease is up. this all depends on the course of the next few months and my sweet lords leading, but the idea is rattling around in my head. today i was plagued with dark thoughts that saddened my heart, and perhaps this is the catalyst that brought califonia to the fore my mind. that place is peace and safe removal from all that i know of life. however, as god made my heart he has put a love for people within me, and moving would be about the most painful thing i can think of, but as i said--this is all a hypothetical. i am weary but all is well.

the boy

welcome back home coriell

An idle Saturday

Song of Two Lovers

In England over the endless sea
(I dream of my dearling, for you and me:
Tomorrow if not today)

There stands in Dorset by the sea,
In the gentle airs of the West Country,
A house that is tall and grey,

An old grey house beside the sea,
And there two lovers live merrily,
Most merrily and gay.

Two willows near and a great beech tree
Trace starlit patterns of fantasy,
And spring in the breeze by day.

These lovers go walking by the sea,
Their hair in the wind blows light and free,
And their lips are kissed by the spray,

They stroll in the lane and follow the bee,
They lie in the grass beneath a tree,
And they sing as they wander away.

At dusk they turn to their house by the sea,
Lightly and gaily come home to tea,
She carries a bright bouquet.

They stop at the church quite faithfully
And sweetly together they bend the knee--
Oh it's thanks they give as they pray!

Sometimes they dress most handsomely:
Go up to London Town to see
Some books and a friend and a play.

And twice, O Oxford town, to thee:
First for the joyful ecstacy
Of the dreaming spires and the may;

And then in soft winter dusk to be
In cold empty streets without a key
Yet never alone or astray.

Then home to the tall grey house by the sea
To sit close by the fire and read poetry
As long as the night will stay.

Just so in England right merrily
Two lovers so lightly live and, see!
Hands linked as they go their way.

One lover, oh dearling! looks like thee;
The other lover, dear one, is me--
And to dream can be to pray.

-Sheldon Vanauken

"God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Eph 2:8-10 NLT

words we all need to hear from time to time

i have been thinking for some time now of actually utilizing this blog. i have evaded them for so long, and now that i am faced with it i ask the question, "who will read this if i did?". that aside, perhaps i will scribe my thoughts out here and see what comes of it.

these past few weeks have been a real awakening for me; indeed the whole latter part of this summer and early fall have been...i don't have the words for it, both wonderful and difficult at the same time. i remember driving home from dothan two weeks ago as my head was spinning with ideas and revelations and questions. i could not focus on a single thought because of the rampant chaos in my mind. i have been trying to make sense of the whole thing, and i have come to one conclusion-my Lord is wonderful above all i could ever imagine. this one thing i know for sure, he is sovereign and his love is perfect. that is the only ground i have to stand on at the moment, which puts me in a strange place right now. moving on.

One of the thoughts that i was pondering was the damage, and i use that word carefully, that being raised in church all of my life and knowing nothing else has done to me. you see, when one is inundated with doctrines and beliefs all of his/ her life, certain things become trivialized--things that should never be trivialized. case in point, as i was sitting in church before the aformentioned drive, there was a small video clip of the passion of the Christ playing. it reached out and grabbed me, not because i was grasping a new concept, but because it had been so ingrained into me since my childhood that it had begun to lose its reality. that is not to say that i had ceased to believe in Jesus, but that this precious act which allowed for our very ability to commune with and be reconciled to God, the foundation of my faith, had ceased to bear significance. much in the same way that "i love you" loses its value when casually used everyday as a conclusion to conversation. The value may still be there, but the emphasis and the feeling give way to familiarity. i found it to be a very dangerous and frightening place. That said, i feel as if i have begun to awaken from a long slumber. Things are moving and some of it excites me and some of it makes me sad. perhaps i will expound on that another time, because my mind is shutting down right now.

in closing, because it is late and i find myself rambling when it is late, i would just like to extend a "thank you" the the wonderful group of people that God put in my life this summer. you have all encouraged me and pushed me towards my father and i am thankful for you.

the boy

sorry if this is all a bit incoherent and not well written, it was done on impulse and i have not composed anything in quite a long time. i am still a bit rusty i'm afraid.

thank you kat for this possible future addiction.
sturat out