this years love

i recently made several resolutions about my life. ones that were not healthy and i knew that when i made them, but i considered them damage control and a stop gap fix. i have been struggling with what i am doing in life and how i am making an impact and growing, if i am at all.

so tonight i finally decided to sit down and read. reading is good. i feel alive when i read and write and grow, and i feel as though i am shrinking and becoming less when i do not. as i was reading from a couple of different books i was faced with God communicating to me- addressing each decision i had made specifically- and rebutting what i had done with his wisdom. i have to admit i was a bit irritated that my new decisions, made in bitterness and resentment, had been swiftly rebuked and all at once.

i want to change but i don't want to go through the fire it takes to get there to be honest. i want meaning and direction on my time but i have to let go. i want to be what i am not; and, in the words of Relient K "what i am hates who i've been". so i went and bought some new kicks and decided to start running again, and i want to start drawing again. i want to read and grow and have deep, real relationships. i want to learn how to interact with people again. i want to love and be loved and understand what that means. i want to commune with my Father and find my comfort in His familiarity. and if that is all the love that is for me, i want for that to be enough.

i feel as if i have been made with certain desires from my Father but before we can embrace and love a thing we must let it go in surrender. i take all that i have been for the past two years, all the longing and desires and let it go. Father is enough and i will learn to make those words real for me. that is all i have... my head is all a jumble but it is a beginning.

"If we're not together in the heart,
what's the point? When body and soul

aren't dancing, there's no pleasure
in colorful clothing. Why have

cooking pans when there's no food in
the house? In this world full of

fresh bread, amber, and musk, so many
different fragrances, what are they

to someone with no sense of smell?
If you stay away from fire, you'll

be sour, doughy, numb, and raw. You
may have lovely, just baked loaves

around you, but those friends cannot
help. You have to feel oven fire."

-Rumi