how fragile hope is...

"It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart
Beating close to mine
Pounding up against the stone and steel
Walls that I won't climb
Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep
You think that you're gonna drown
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep
With all this rain falling down

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give
I'm not looking for the rest of your life
I just want another chance to live

Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain"

dreams

i don't dream much. in fact, you could say i rarely ever dream. i have this problem with sleep - it doesn't like me. when i do sleep it seems dreamless. however, every once in a while i have a dream. they are vivid, they are tactile experiences with real people and emotions, and, when i awake i remember. i had one of those on saturday. i thought on it for two days before i finally penned it at 2:30 in the morning two nights ago. as i wrote it out, the details became more and more clear. as far as dreams go this one was not finished. it was about my life, and things that will be. now some people believe there is significance to dreams, others think they are our subconscious expressing our thoughts, desires and fears. i honestly don't know, i think it is a little of both. this dream swept me away into things i had been considering and choices i will be making; and then, ever so stoically, deposited me back on the very spot i had been before the dream. offering neither insight nor understanding.

so it makes me wonder if there was purpose in this dream or if it was just the leftover thoughts rattling around in my head. either way, it plays out a scenario that i approach with much trepidation and prayer. perhaps it will offer clarity in time. regardless, here i stand and there i will walk.

Ruminations

hmmm, it is interesting how we have been created to experience. All of our lives are lived through experiences that shape and mold who we become. Our character is chiseled into completion by our responses to those same experiences. In that way, we get to choose who we become. sure there are difficulties to overcome in life, but i find it amazing the spiritual lessons that can be learned (especially) in our hardships. i will not mince words, last year was hard for me - a bitter-sweet mix of the most wonderful and most heart-wrenching time of my life. As i look back i find that there are so many things that i haven't even been able to process yet, but in those few that i have, i find amazing revelations about who i am and how my Savior wants to love/be loved by me. i don't say all this to sound spiritual and arrived; i am, in fact, broken and bleeding - but alive. And in that living there is redemption for all the brokenness.

i have experienced [a shadow of that] love, love like i would imagine Jesus desires from our hearts towards Him. The kind of love that melts all worries and fears in its wake. and the tangible nature of that experience showed me how the love of the Father -surpassing our earthly loves - brings patience, kindness, humility, protection, trust, hope and perseverance; and casts out pride, selfishness, anger and unforgiveness (I Corinthians 13). i can only imagine this love growing stronger and stronger through the course of this relationship that we have. An all encompassing love that bring healing in our sorrow and joy in our rejoicing. i am convinced that only the Fathers love is so all encompassing, able to work redemption and the fruits of love in all our circumstances. "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." -Jer. 31:13B

i am still learning and growing from this past year, i think i always will be. the deeper the experience the more there is to learn and grow, because we are exposed in all of our unseen parts and forced to choose who we will become and see who we have been. i have seen that where i thought i was selfless i am selfish, where i thought i was forgiving i am bitter, and where i thought i was honest i am ignorant.

through all of this i have come to appreciate the little things again. smiling, so simple and yet it can be life changing. Being silly with people, because life should be as full of levity as it is filled with gravity. And being vulnerable, because nothing worthwhile comes without allowing yourself the possibility of being hurt [i still struggle with this one :)] and that is all i have for now.

grace and peace