i have been thinking for some time now of actually utilizing this blog. i have evaded them for so long, and now that i am faced with it i ask the question, "who will read this if i did?". that aside, perhaps i will scribe my thoughts out here and see what comes of it.

these past few weeks have been a real awakening for me; indeed the whole latter part of this summer and early fall have been...i don't have the words for it, both wonderful and difficult at the same time. i remember driving home from dothan two weeks ago as my head was spinning with ideas and revelations and questions. i could not focus on a single thought because of the rampant chaos in my mind. i have been trying to make sense of the whole thing, and i have come to one conclusion-my Lord is wonderful above all i could ever imagine. this one thing i know for sure, he is sovereign and his love is perfect. that is the only ground i have to stand on at the moment, which puts me in a strange place right now. moving on.

One of the thoughts that i was pondering was the damage, and i use that word carefully, that being raised in church all of my life and knowing nothing else has done to me. you see, when one is inundated with doctrines and beliefs all of his/ her life, certain things become trivialized--things that should never be trivialized. case in point, as i was sitting in church before the aformentioned drive, there was a small video clip of the passion of the Christ playing. it reached out and grabbed me, not because i was grasping a new concept, but because it had been so ingrained into me since my childhood that it had begun to lose its reality. that is not to say that i had ceased to believe in Jesus, but that this precious act which allowed for our very ability to commune with and be reconciled to God, the foundation of my faith, had ceased to bear significance. much in the same way that "i love you" loses its value when casually used everyday as a conclusion to conversation. The value may still be there, but the emphasis and the feeling give way to familiarity. i found it to be a very dangerous and frightening place. That said, i feel as if i have begun to awaken from a long slumber. Things are moving and some of it excites me and some of it makes me sad. perhaps i will expound on that another time, because my mind is shutting down right now.

in closing, because it is late and i find myself rambling when it is late, i would just like to extend a "thank you" the the wonderful group of people that God put in my life this summer. you have all encouraged me and pushed me towards my father and i am thankful for you.

the boy

sorry if this is all a bit incoherent and not well written, it was done on impulse and i have not composed anything in quite a long time. i am still a bit rusty i'm afraid.