today i feel very clumsy with words. there is a mass of emotion that i have not had time to articulate or even sort through. point being, i feel numb. there is so much going on right now that i can't process it all and i feel as if i am shutting down the parts of me that feel. as i went to visit my grandmother last week, to say goodbye one last time, i felt awkward. like i was suppose to saying something but i didn't know what that something was. so i sat there and gave my time and attention. now she is gone and i am happy that she is finally back in her loving husbands arms with my Father. her passing was the end of something in my life, however, as she was my last grandparent. i feel as if the threads of my life have all unwraveled these past two months and i find myself grasping towards the pieces as they drift away.
the Lord is my provision, and he is my strength when i have none. He has shown his provision in the short time that four of us have lost grandparents. i have found comfort in the unity of our little group coming together to lift the few up in prayer and support. i cannot say how thankful i am for you. for the past couple of weeks we have been seeking an avenue to draw back into one another in our persuit of Christ as our lives have seemingly gotten busier and busier. This past week i observed this come to fruition in the love passed between us.
with all of that out of the way, i would like to say that in sorrow there is peace from our father, and in pain there is comfort in knowing that we are alive. without these things what would life be. i have never understood how anyone can expect to live a full, meaningful life without pain. how can we enjoy the wonders and beauty that life has to offer if there is no pain to contrast? how do we expect the Lord to allow us to grow if we never have to leave what is comfortable and fun. a friend of mine said to me recently, "trials are an opportunity", and they are. they are an opportunity to find blessing and purpose beyond ourselves. i don't pretend to understand the great mysteries of death and love and life, but i trust my father and i trust his love. this past week has been one of the lowest points i have ever been in my life but i found solace here.
"I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God...
LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.
For troubles surround me--
too many to count!
They pile up so high
I can't see my way out.
They are more numerous than the hairs on my head.
I have lost all my courage...
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, "The LORD is great!"
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord is thinking about me right now.
You are my helper and my savior.
Do not delay, O my God. "
-abbreviation of Psalm 40 NLT
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
hang in there friend. sounds like you're doing alright. i'm so glad. i totally forgot that i am supposed to perform at a church this sunday and the dress rehearsal is saturday...which means i can't drive to meet you for lunch. :( buuuuut, if you want to come here...:) call me sometime.
you know how you didn't have words to tell you grandmother...and that you were just there "being" with her...i like that.
Post a Comment