I will sing, sing a new song

today i feel very clumsy with words. there is a mass of emotion that i have not had time to articulate or even sort through. point being, i feel numb. there is so much going on right now that i can't process it all and i feel as if i am shutting down the parts of me that feel. as i went to visit my grandmother last week, to say goodbye one last time, i felt awkward. like i was suppose to saying something but i didn't know what that something was. so i sat there and gave my time and attention. now she is gone and i am happy that she is finally back in her loving husbands arms with my Father. her passing was the end of something in my life, however, as she was my last grandparent. i feel as if the threads of my life have all unwraveled these past two months and i find myself grasping towards the pieces as they drift away.

the Lord is my provision, and he is my strength when i have none. He has shown his provision in the short time that four of us have lost grandparents. i have found comfort in the unity of our little group coming together to lift the few up in prayer and support. i cannot say how thankful i am for you. for the past couple of weeks we have been seeking an avenue to draw back into one another in our persuit of Christ as our lives have seemingly gotten busier and busier. This past week i observed this come to fruition in the love passed between us.

with all of that out of the way, i would like to say that in sorrow there is peace from our father, and in pain there is comfort in knowing that we are alive. without these things what would life be. i have never understood how anyone can expect to live a full, meaningful life without pain. how can we enjoy the wonders and beauty that life has to offer if there is no pain to contrast? how do we expect the Lord to allow us to grow if we never have to leave what is comfortable and fun. a friend of mine said to me recently, "trials are an opportunity", and they are. they are an opportunity to find blessing and purpose beyond ourselves. i don't pretend to understand the great mysteries of death and love and life, but i trust my father and i trust his love. this past week has been one of the lowest points i have ever been in my life but i found solace here.


"I waited patiently for the LORD to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God...

LORD, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.

For troubles surround me--
too many to count!
They pile up so high
I can't see my way out.
They are more numerous than the hairs on my head.
I have lost all my courage...

But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, "The LORD is great!"

As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord is thinking about me right now.
You are my helper and my savior.
Do not delay, O my God. "

-abbreviation of Psalm 40 NLT

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-Yeats

day 1-bleeding out

i am sitting here reading Walk On the Spiritual Journey of U2, and i am struck at the infantile state at which parts of me still reside ( and that is only halfway through the preface). Just these couple of years past, am i able to look beyond he expletives that proceed from a mans mouth and see the wonderful christian brother/sister within. its almost oxymoronic, and would appear so to the legalist child looking on. i was that child two years ago. i could not look past the (pardon me) "shit", "damn", or worse that could come from a persons mouth, to see my brother in Christ beneath (it was, in fact, easier for me to relate and accecpt a pagan who spoke like a sailor because i held them to no higher morality).

i could not understand the relationship with God for all of the rules one must follow to know God. with God it is not the words, it is the heart. it is us understanding the concept that birthed the words and not the letter of the law. don't get me wrong, this is no advocation of living a loose or immoral lifestyle, merely an attempt at a deeper understanding of humankind and his relation to God and one another. i most emphatically believe we are to live a lifestyle in emulation of Christ, but i also understand that we are called to love one another and support eachother as well. for this reason Christ came and preached to the ugly, the lame, and the unlovely so that he might redeem all of us to himself.

that being said, i find that most of us are too consumed with walking within the lines to look up and see the expectant eyes of our lover who is just waiting for us to open up. to look into his eyes and understand the depth and height and width of his love. this is the purpose of our existence-relationship. not rules, lines, and restictions of a moral life, but the reality of an honest, candid relationship with him based on love, truth, and honesty. from this all the other virtues of life and faith flow.